Last night, I booked two round-trip flights for myself: one to Orlando, and one to London. A year ago, this would have been pretty much beyond the realm of possibility. If I thought I grew and changed a lot in my first year of college, it's still very little when compared with the last year of my life. That's because in this part year, I have finally learned that there are so many things that are so much more important than being afraid.
I used to say and think that it was That man who changed me, but he didn't; at least, not in the way I thought he did. At the end of the day, I changed myself, because I'm the only one who can. What That Man did was make me want to make that change, and make me realize that I could if I wanted it bad enough. It was as if he laid the world out in front of me and all I had to do was work up the nerve to leave the nest and try to fly. He instilled in me a desire that was finally enough to beat back the fear.
Now I know what you're thinking when I talk about That Man and desire in the same sentence. And I won't lie, that was definitely part of it. I had never wanted to be with someone enough to manage to trump the fear of actually, well, being with them. But it goes so much deeper than that. Talking so frequently and for so long with someone who had seen the whole world reminded me of all the things I was missing by being too afraid to go out and see and do them. There is a huge world out there, and it's beautiful and terrifying, but the more I saw and heard about it, the more I wanted so badly to actually get out there and see it for myself. And as my desire to break out of my lonely little apartment grew stronger, my fear began to have less of a hold on me.
This isn't to say that I'm not afraid. As I held the confirmation papers for my flights in my hands, I could feel my heart race. This is some pretty unknown territory for me, and that's scary. But for the past year, I have been trying to dive into unknown territory, even if it's scary, because I want to. Though it's had its highs and lows, the past year has taught me that being scared of something doesn't mean not trying. I want to see places I've never seen, and do things I've never done. That desire that had been lying dormant for years, held down by fear and uncertainty, has finally started to thrive. I have finally found enough things that I want badly enough to break out of that cage. I have, at long last, discovered a desire in me that is able to take on fear, because I know that living out my dreams is more important than being afraid.
Have you ever wanted something so badly that it managed to cancel out a fear or insecurity you had about doing it?
~Jessica
Monday, November 2, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
If I Died Today
Because I'm a morbid person, I sometimes wonder what I'd be unhappy with if I were to die on any given day. What would I wish I had said to people? What would I wish people had said to me? Is there anything that would really, truly bother me that I hadn't said or done in my life?
A fresh round of these thoughts was brought on this morning when I woke up. I had a dream last night - it was completely strange and nonsensical, for the most part. In my dream, I was in a large hotel on a coast somewhere, and myself and three of my friends were being executed, by my immediate family no less. We were being beheaded out on the balcony. I was the last of the four to meet my death. As I was waiting for my turn to die, I was searching frantically for my cell phone. When I found it, I dialed the number of someone I care for very much. They answered, sounding as though I had woken them up. I apologized for waking them, and started to cry as I told them that I was never going to see them again, and desperately wanted them to know how much I loved them. That phone conversation was the one part of my dream that made sense, and I woke up promptly after it.
These thoughts have crossed my mind more and more often lately, especially as the prospect of travel is looming in my life. I'm the kind of paranoid person who thinks that it's my plane that will be the one to fall out of the sky. If I wind up going to London, I was thinking of writing a letter including all the things I would want people to know if I never got a chance to tell them. I don't have any huge number of secrets, those of you who have read my blog for a while, or who know me know that I'm a fairly open person. But there are some secrets I have kept, at least from the people they involve, for one reason or another, and some that I wouldn't want to take to the grave with me.
The thing that struck me about this was the fact that I'd rather leave a letter behind than simply say these things to people before I left. Why not simply tell these people what I'm thinking and feeling now so that I don't have to worry about what would happen if it was too late? Why not tell my father about the time I stole his car, or that as it turns out, I have been drinking before my 21st birthday, and I can hold my liquor better than he thinks? Why not tell my mom that I want nothing more than to be her when I grow up, minus the three kids? Why not tell all my friends what I really think of them, good or bad? Why not tell That Man that I am hopelessly in love with him, and love him more intensely than I've ever loved another person?
By the time I reached the last question, I had already realized the answer. I am afraid. I am afraid of the consequences of sharing these secrets. I want my mom to know how much I admire her, but I fear what she'd think of me if she knew that despite all the schooling she and my father have put me through, I think I'd be perfectly happy as a housewife. I want my father to be able to laugh at the fact that I stole his car, or tell me something that would help my occasionally improper use of alcohol, but I fear losing his trust. I want That Man to know that he is loved, deeply and completely, for everything that he is, but I fear him walking away if I were so blunt. I want my friends to know that I love them, or that I hate them, or that I can't stand their boyfriend, or that I think they're making a huge mistake, or that I think they're wasting their lives, or that I think they are impossibly talented, or that they're doing something they shouldn't, or not doing something they should, but I fear how they would react to hearing such things.
It's easiest to say these things when we have nothing to lose.
*Photos were screencapped from the trailer for the new Post Secret book, Post Secret: Confessions on Life, Death, and God by Frank Warren.
If you died today, what would you wish you had said to other people? What would you wish other people had said to you? What would be the biggest regret you'd have over something you'd done? What about over something you hadn't done?
~Jessica
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Lead Me Not Into Temptation
12 hours.
That Man was back in town for 12 hours. In between business trips, he spent less than 12 hours in his apartment.
You would think, then, that there was no way that we could possibly get ourselves into any trouble. That's where you would be wrong.
I had come back to New Jersey last night before her got back because, well, he was only going to be here for 12 hours. I wasn't going to see him anyway, and I had laundry to do. So I was watching the end of the Jets game when he texted me telling me he had gotten home safely. A conversation that started innocently enough, but over the next hour or so, it escalated as it always does, with photos flying back and forth. Finally, he asked me to come and see him, not realizing where I was.
In my typical fashion where he is involved, I did something incredibly stupid. I explained that I was in Jersey, but that I had the keys to the car in my hand and could be there in only 10 minutes longer than a cab from my Manhattan apartment would have taken. He immediately insisted he would never ask me to drive so late. I reminded him that I had offered. I scrambled around my house, putting on shoes and my coat, and taking my father's car keys.
That's right, boys and girls, I took my father's car at 2:30 in the morning, and drove it to Queens to see That Man.
The car was parked underneath my parent's bedroom window. I technically only have a provisional license which prohibits me from driving between the hours of 12:01am and 5:00am. I'd never driven to Queens. I'd never even driven in the city in my life. I'd also never driven across the George Washington Bridge. And yet, at 2:30 in the morning, I programmed the GPS system with shaking hands. I told That Man that I was sitting in the car, and asked him if he wanted me to come. He insisted that I be extremely careful, and that I go home again before my parents have a chance to realize I'm gone. I agreed from the stop sign at the bottom of my street.
The car was quiet as I contemplated the fact that I was driving to Queens at 2:30 in the morning in my father's car that he didn't know I had taken to see That Man before he left down again for the rest of the month. I drove in silence, shaking in the driver's seat, terrified to drive a single mile per hour over the speed limit. I flitted through streets, down highways, and over the two bridges that separated me from That Man. Raindrops fell on my windshield intermittently. After what felt like forever, I reached a section of Queens I recognized from my late night cab rides, and called That Man from the corner of his street. I parked under his building and fell into his arms the second I stepped out of the car.
We just held onto each other for a while before going inside. Upstairs, he held me in his arms until I managed to calm down. I buried my face in his chest, breathing him in. He ran his fingers through my hair. We laughed at the ridiculousness of what was happening. We mused over what would happen if I were to get caught. We smiled and kissed and our fingers entwined. We stayed holding each other again for a bit before falling into bed together. Every moment I spent with him was worth what I had done to get there. We lay in bed running our fingertips over each other's bodies. We talked about his future trips, and I sat with him while he folded his laundry and packed to leave in the morning. He walked me to the car, and we kissed goodbye.
I drove my car home, and replaced it in the driveway facing the opposite direction it had been in when I took it, praying that my father would be none the wiser as I replaced the mirror and seat position and put the Navigation CD away. I bolted up the driveway to the door only to hear my dogs start barking as I put my key in the lock. I ran to the kitchen and replaced my coat and scarf on the chair they'd been hanging on earlier that evening, and plugged my phone into its charger. I kicked off my shoes and ran into my father's office replacing his car keys on his desk before running back into the kitchen in an attempt to quiet the dogs. I heard footsteps overhead and freaked. I tried harder to quiet the dogs, and was standing in front of them when my father appeared around the corner coming into the kitchen. He asked if it was me that they had seen and started barking. I said yes. He asked what I was doing. I picked up my phone and its charger from the kitchen counter, unplugged it and gestured with it. He said okay. I ran upstairs to bed. After speaking with my mother this morning, they both believe I fell asleep on the couch and woke up around 5.
I sit now at my computer, tired, sore, and grinning because I haven't managed to shower yet and I still smell him on my skin.
Stupidest thing I've ever done? Absolutely.
Worth it? Without a doubt.
~Jessica
That Man was back in town for 12 hours. In between business trips, he spent less than 12 hours in his apartment.
You would think, then, that there was no way that we could possibly get ourselves into any trouble. That's where you would be wrong.
I had come back to New Jersey last night before her got back because, well, he was only going to be here for 12 hours. I wasn't going to see him anyway, and I had laundry to do. So I was watching the end of the Jets game when he texted me telling me he had gotten home safely. A conversation that started innocently enough, but over the next hour or so, it escalated as it always does, with photos flying back and forth. Finally, he asked me to come and see him, not realizing where I was.
In my typical fashion where he is involved, I did something incredibly stupid. I explained that I was in Jersey, but that I had the keys to the car in my hand and could be there in only 10 minutes longer than a cab from my Manhattan apartment would have taken. He immediately insisted he would never ask me to drive so late. I reminded him that I had offered. I scrambled around my house, putting on shoes and my coat, and taking my father's car keys.
That's right, boys and girls, I took my father's car at 2:30 in the morning, and drove it to Queens to see That Man.
The car was parked underneath my parent's bedroom window. I technically only have a provisional license which prohibits me from driving between the hours of 12:01am and 5:00am. I'd never driven to Queens. I'd never even driven in the city in my life. I'd also never driven across the George Washington Bridge. And yet, at 2:30 in the morning, I programmed the GPS system with shaking hands. I told That Man that I was sitting in the car, and asked him if he wanted me to come. He insisted that I be extremely careful, and that I go home again before my parents have a chance to realize I'm gone. I agreed from the stop sign at the bottom of my street.
The car was quiet as I contemplated the fact that I was driving to Queens at 2:30 in the morning in my father's car that he didn't know I had taken to see That Man before he left down again for the rest of the month. I drove in silence, shaking in the driver's seat, terrified to drive a single mile per hour over the speed limit. I flitted through streets, down highways, and over the two bridges that separated me from That Man. Raindrops fell on my windshield intermittently. After what felt like forever, I reached a section of Queens I recognized from my late night cab rides, and called That Man from the corner of his street. I parked under his building and fell into his arms the second I stepped out of the car.
We just held onto each other for a while before going inside. Upstairs, he held me in his arms until I managed to calm down. I buried my face in his chest, breathing him in. He ran his fingers through my hair. We laughed at the ridiculousness of what was happening. We mused over what would happen if I were to get caught. We smiled and kissed and our fingers entwined. We stayed holding each other again for a bit before falling into bed together. Every moment I spent with him was worth what I had done to get there. We lay in bed running our fingertips over each other's bodies. We talked about his future trips, and I sat with him while he folded his laundry and packed to leave in the morning. He walked me to the car, and we kissed goodbye.
I drove my car home, and replaced it in the driveway facing the opposite direction it had been in when I took it, praying that my father would be none the wiser as I replaced the mirror and seat position and put the Navigation CD away. I bolted up the driveway to the door only to hear my dogs start barking as I put my key in the lock. I ran to the kitchen and replaced my coat and scarf on the chair they'd been hanging on earlier that evening, and plugged my phone into its charger. I kicked off my shoes and ran into my father's office replacing his car keys on his desk before running back into the kitchen in an attempt to quiet the dogs. I heard footsteps overhead and freaked. I tried harder to quiet the dogs, and was standing in front of them when my father appeared around the corner coming into the kitchen. He asked if it was me that they had seen and started barking. I said yes. He asked what I was doing. I picked up my phone and its charger from the kitchen counter, unplugged it and gestured with it. He said okay. I ran upstairs to bed. After speaking with my mother this morning, they both believe I fell asleep on the couch and woke up around 5.
I sit now at my computer, tired, sore, and grinning because I haven't managed to shower yet and I still smell him on my skin.
Stupidest thing I've ever done? Absolutely.
Worth it? Without a doubt.
~Jessica
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Get Me Outta Here!
Maybe it's because I've never really travelled much before. Maybe it's because the things binding me to New York City are beginning to dwindle very quickly. Maybe the rest of the world is too damn exciting and enticing. Maybe I'm restless. Maybe I'm just plain bored. But whatever the reason, I have been haunting the Study Abroad page of my college's website since the middle of July waiting anxiously for them to post the available programs for the short winter semester of 2010. (I'm still waiting, in fact. September, they told me. It's September now, guys!)
I've never left the country, except once on a cruise to Canada. I spent one day on Canadian soil. I've tried to go traveling through various academic programs in the past, to Europe, Australia, you name it, but for various reasons, it hasn't ever worked out. It's been ten years since I've even been on a plane. I've been itching to travel for quite a while now, but it's become a more pronounced desire in the past few months. Perhaps that was brought on by spending time with That Man I fell in love with, who has seen and done such a wide array of things I cannot help but be terribly jealous when he tells me stories. When I say he's been almost everywhere, it's not too gross of an exaggeration. He takes the most amazing photographs of everywhere he goes, and it just makes me want to get out there and see it all. It really rekindled my desire to get out there and see the world while I still can. Perhaps I've just been reading too much, and looking at too many photos in my textbooks. There is so much out there to be seen, beauty, both natural and manmade, art, food, culture, life, and I am sick of being stuck in this city.
For a very long time, I put off my travel plans. I was too attached to things here. When I went off to college, I was so attached to things and people here that I didn't even consider going to school anywhere else. When I got to college, I got a job, and I fell in love. And maybe my desperate need to get out of here is because so many of those things and people I'd grown so attached to are gone, and all I'm left with is memories of the way things were. The show that I'd been working at for nearly two years closed this past Sunday, which was rather devastating. That Man I fell in love with is going to be off again, moving away, working, and seeing the world without me. I have a new job, but it doesn't mean nearly as much to me. And that's not to insult the job or my coworkers, but without the strong attachment I had to my old job and the great bond with everyone that worked there, I'm more able to look at this new job as just a job, and allow myself to leave without missing it much. I have other people I care about, and who care about me, but I know they'll be here when I get back. The relationships I have with the people in my life right now are not as volatile and unpredictable as That Man. I can take a little time to myself without having to worry too much about what will happen. There is a lot less holding me down, and maybe because of that, it's harder and harder to fight my urge to just go. Get out. Be free. I want to fly.
There's nothing wrong with the city. Really, there's not. It's convenient, and exciting, and fun. It's all me, I swear. But I feel trapped, and stifled. I feel like a robot, and I feel like I'm missing out on so much. Plus, after spending so much time wanting to stay put, I figure that now that I actually WANT to leave, I should hurry up and go before I change my mind. Losing my job and That Man at the same time has given me the desire and the motivation to get up and get out.
So I'm aiming to study abroad for a few weeks in the winter. As a sort of practice run, I suppose. As I've said, I haven't travelled much, so I figure my best bet is to go someplace not too far, for not too long, with a very organized program.
Do you travel a lot? Do you do it for work or for fun? Do you like to travel? Do you wish you travelled more, or less? In your opinion, what is the best way to travel? Where is your favorite place that you have gone? What made you decide to go there?
~Jessica
I've never left the country, except once on a cruise to Canada. I spent one day on Canadian soil. I've tried to go traveling through various academic programs in the past, to Europe, Australia, you name it, but for various reasons, it hasn't ever worked out. It's been ten years since I've even been on a plane. I've been itching to travel for quite a while now, but it's become a more pronounced desire in the past few months. Perhaps that was brought on by spending time with That Man I fell in love with, who has seen and done such a wide array of things I cannot help but be terribly jealous when he tells me stories. When I say he's been almost everywhere, it's not too gross of an exaggeration. He takes the most amazing photographs of everywhere he goes, and it just makes me want to get out there and see it all. It really rekindled my desire to get out there and see the world while I still can. Perhaps I've just been reading too much, and looking at too many photos in my textbooks. There is so much out there to be seen, beauty, both natural and manmade, art, food, culture, life, and I am sick of being stuck in this city.
For a very long time, I put off my travel plans. I was too attached to things here. When I went off to college, I was so attached to things and people here that I didn't even consider going to school anywhere else. When I got to college, I got a job, and I fell in love. And maybe my desperate need to get out of here is because so many of those things and people I'd grown so attached to are gone, and all I'm left with is memories of the way things were. The show that I'd been working at for nearly two years closed this past Sunday, which was rather devastating. That Man I fell in love with is going to be off again, moving away, working, and seeing the world without me. I have a new job, but it doesn't mean nearly as much to me. And that's not to insult the job or my coworkers, but without the strong attachment I had to my old job and the great bond with everyone that worked there, I'm more able to look at this new job as just a job, and allow myself to leave without missing it much. I have other people I care about, and who care about me, but I know they'll be here when I get back. The relationships I have with the people in my life right now are not as volatile and unpredictable as That Man. I can take a little time to myself without having to worry too much about what will happen. There is a lot less holding me down, and maybe because of that, it's harder and harder to fight my urge to just go. Get out. Be free. I want to fly.
There's nothing wrong with the city. Really, there's not. It's convenient, and exciting, and fun. It's all me, I swear. But I feel trapped, and stifled. I feel like a robot, and I feel like I'm missing out on so much. Plus, after spending so much time wanting to stay put, I figure that now that I actually WANT to leave, I should hurry up and go before I change my mind. Losing my job and That Man at the same time has given me the desire and the motivation to get up and get out.
So I'm aiming to study abroad for a few weeks in the winter. As a sort of practice run, I suppose. As I've said, I haven't travelled much, so I figure my best bet is to go someplace not too far, for not too long, with a very organized program.
Do you travel a lot? Do you do it for work or for fun? Do you like to travel? Do you wish you travelled more, or less? In your opinion, what is the best way to travel? Where is your favorite place that you have gone? What made you decide to go there?
~Jessica
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Take The Chance
I know I've been missing in action for over a month now, and life has been a bit of a roller coaster in between, to be sure. But after all the highs and lows, I feel like I've finally found some middle ground and I have something to say.
Don't waste a minute of your time on this earth, never miss an opportunity, never let fear hold you back, and never rely on second chances. Our time is precious, we only get so much of it, and we can't waste any of it not pursuing the things we want in life.
My blog has been a bit of a record of my struggles with fear and anxiety, struggles that I've been grappling with since as long as I can remember. For years, my fears have held me back from going after the things I wanted. I would sit in fear, and not act, because the possibility of messing things up trumped the possibility of achieving happiness. This is no way to live your lives. I am still a good way away from conquering my anxiety for good, but I am certain I'm going in the right direction, and I'm here to say, if you're sitting on the sidelines, and you're scared, do it. Jump in. Shut your eyes, hold your breath, and dive into it because you'll regret it so much more if you don't even give it a try. Life isn't a spectator sport.
We all get chances that we don't take. And often, we'll look back and wonder if we did the right thing. We'll ponder our decisions, and question our reactions. And we're not always going to make the right decisions. But the worst decision you can ever make is no decision. Theodore Roosevelt once said "In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." And it's absolutely the truth. This summer, I begged the universe for a second chance to do something I had missed out on because I had been too afraid, and had done nothing. The universe gave me that chance, and I took it, and maybe it wasn't the best decision I ever made, but it wasn't the worst, and I don't regret it for an instant. The experience was invaluable.
Life is about experience. We live, and we learn. Without the experiences that we have, we would be nothing. Our experiences and our decisions shape us, and if we draw away from these experiences out of fear, we don't grow and we don't change, and we don't learn. You will not always be happy. You will not always make the right choice. But life is too short to live with regrets, and trust me when I say you'll regret the things you didn't do a lot more than the things you did do.
So that's what I'm here to say today: take the chance, take the risk, make the jump, dive in, chase your dreams, and for God's sake, live your life to the fullest because it's the only one you're going to get. Live. Laugh. Love. With all your heart, embrace this world.
~Jessica
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Make Out Check Out
Or: Possibly The Most Dehumanizing Experience Of My Life
So in the midst of my attempted recovery from the mess that ended over a month ago, I have gone out with this new guy a few times. Kind of a "get back on the horse" kind of maneuver. Trying to replace what I lost, feel the feelings I used to feel. So I've been attempting normal dates. Drinks, a movie, you know. He's a nice guy. There's plenty of stuff about him that bugs me, but hey, why not give it a shot, right? I mean, he's always a gentleman, at least. He's walked me home every night we've spent time together. Okay, so maybe the making out in front of my doorman was less than gentlemanly. And I'm not a PDA kind of person, so that's really not my thing. And I guess that's part of the reason why I invited him up the last time I saw him. (I say last because, well, you don't get another chance after how things worked out.)
He had been drinking more than he usually did when we spent time together. This should have set off some sort of warning signal in my head, and encouraged me to send him home rather than invite him inside. But no, I decided inviting him in was a good idea. He didn't seem too intoxicated, and I wasn't worried. When we reached my apartment, he was immediately all over me. I wasn't really into it, but I went along with it for a while. After all, I was the one who invited him inside, and this is what happens when you invite a guy inside. I had thought this was what I had wanted, but I was pretty nonchalant about the whole thing. As things escalated, however, my mind wandered, and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Memories of what I'd lost raced through my mind and I stared at the ceiling as hands groped their way around my body.
I felt like a rag doll in his arms. As he tangled his fingers in my hair and pulled my head where he wanted it to be, as he ran his hands over my body, as he placed my arms around his waist, it was like everything inside of me shut off. It was like there wasn't a person there anymore, there was just a body, and I wasn't in it. Everything that knew how to feel was gone. I felt empty.
Ironic, as it was the emptiness in the wake of my mess that I was trying to fight.
I don't know how people can have one night stands. I don't know how people can hook up with no emotional attachment. I don't know why I thought that replacing the physical aspect of the relationship that I lost would ever in a million years make up for everything else that was there. I got to a point where I literally could not take it anymore, pulled his hands off me, stood up, righted my disheveled clothing, and simply began to cry. I didn't know what else to do. The poor guy was justifiably confused, not knowing that he'd accompanied an emotional nutcase upstairs, and probably thinking he had a good chance of getting laid. After apologizing profusely many times, I sent him home.
I'm not sure what I hoped to accomplish by sharing this story. I feel like it should serve as some sort of warning, but I'm not sure what I'm trying to warn against. This guy is a good guy, all things considered, and the situation was entirely my fault. While things didn't turn out too poorly for me, they could have gone south in a hurry. The mistake was a stupid one that I shouldn't have to warn people against. What am I trying to say? Don't invite in a guy who has been drinking? Be careful or you'll get in over your head? Don't attempt more than you can handle? Don't push yourself to heal faster than you are capable of? Don't try to solve emotional problems and fill emotional voids with physical intimacy? Don't be me?
Maybe I'm just trying to say that you shouldn't jump off a cliff trying to feel the wind in your face, because you're going to hit bottom more often than you're going to fly.
Have you ever made a decision that seemed good at the time but wasn't? Have you ever made a bad choice fully knowing that it was a bad choice? Why did you do it? What were the consequences? Have you ever tried to solve a problem or make yourself feel better and had it backfire?
~Jessica
So in the midst of my attempted recovery from the mess that ended over a month ago, I have gone out with this new guy a few times. Kind of a "get back on the horse" kind of maneuver. Trying to replace what I lost, feel the feelings I used to feel. So I've been attempting normal dates. Drinks, a movie, you know. He's a nice guy. There's plenty of stuff about him that bugs me, but hey, why not give it a shot, right? I mean, he's always a gentleman, at least. He's walked me home every night we've spent time together. Okay, so maybe the making out in front of my doorman was less than gentlemanly. And I'm not a PDA kind of person, so that's really not my thing. And I guess that's part of the reason why I invited him up the last time I saw him. (I say last because, well, you don't get another chance after how things worked out.)
He had been drinking more than he usually did when we spent time together. This should have set off some sort of warning signal in my head, and encouraged me to send him home rather than invite him inside. But no, I decided inviting him in was a good idea. He didn't seem too intoxicated, and I wasn't worried. When we reached my apartment, he was immediately all over me. I wasn't really into it, but I went along with it for a while. After all, I was the one who invited him inside, and this is what happens when you invite a guy inside. I had thought this was what I had wanted, but I was pretty nonchalant about the whole thing. As things escalated, however, my mind wandered, and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Memories of what I'd lost raced through my mind and I stared at the ceiling as hands groped their way around my body.
I felt like a rag doll in his arms. As he tangled his fingers in my hair and pulled my head where he wanted it to be, as he ran his hands over my body, as he placed my arms around his waist, it was like everything inside of me shut off. It was like there wasn't a person there anymore, there was just a body, and I wasn't in it. Everything that knew how to feel was gone. I felt empty.
Ironic, as it was the emptiness in the wake of my mess that I was trying to fight.
I don't know how people can have one night stands. I don't know how people can hook up with no emotional attachment. I don't know why I thought that replacing the physical aspect of the relationship that I lost would ever in a million years make up for everything else that was there. I got to a point where I literally could not take it anymore, pulled his hands off me, stood up, righted my disheveled clothing, and simply began to cry. I didn't know what else to do. The poor guy was justifiably confused, not knowing that he'd accompanied an emotional nutcase upstairs, and probably thinking he had a good chance of getting laid. After apologizing profusely many times, I sent him home.
I'm not sure what I hoped to accomplish by sharing this story. I feel like it should serve as some sort of warning, but I'm not sure what I'm trying to warn against. This guy is a good guy, all things considered, and the situation was entirely my fault. While things didn't turn out too poorly for me, they could have gone south in a hurry. The mistake was a stupid one that I shouldn't have to warn people against. What am I trying to say? Don't invite in a guy who has been drinking? Be careful or you'll get in over your head? Don't attempt more than you can handle? Don't push yourself to heal faster than you are capable of? Don't try to solve emotional problems and fill emotional voids with physical intimacy? Don't be me?
Maybe I'm just trying to say that you shouldn't jump off a cliff trying to feel the wind in your face, because you're going to hit bottom more often than you're going to fly.
Have you ever made a decision that seemed good at the time but wasn't? Have you ever made a bad choice fully knowing that it was a bad choice? Why did you do it? What were the consequences? Have you ever tried to solve a problem or make yourself feel better and had it backfire?
~Jessica
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Life Lessons
My father sent me this in an email this morning, and his timing couldn't have been better. Most of these things are things that we all already know, but sometimes you just need to hear them again anyway. I'm reposting it in case anyone else needs to hear them as much as I did.
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old,
of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons
life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever
written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the
column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay cheque.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion, today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
~Jessica
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old,
of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons
life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever
written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the
column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay cheque.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion, today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
~Jessica
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