Generation Obnoxious, Entitled, Helpless

Throughout my trip to London, I was always frustrated by the behavior of a lot of the people who were on the trip with me. However, as I started breaking away from the group and traveling on my own, and even as I got back home, I came to the sad realization, that it isn't a couple of brats on my trip, it's a generation-wide epidemic.

I don't really know at what point proper conduct and behavior deteriorated, but it has. I remember as my grade was coming up through the public school system, teachers were shocked and appalled by the slew of behavioral issues they were forced to address. We were quickly dubbed the worst grade the school had seen. And it only got worse when the next few years came up behind us.

I look around today, and I realize something very sad: we haven't gotten any better. We haven't grown up. We're in our 20's now, and we're still the obnoxious, bratty, entitled, irresponsible, helpless behavioral disasters we were back in school. We are loud, and we are rude, and we think the world revolves around us.

When I was in London, a lot of the people I was with would just walk up to people on the street, interrupt their conversations, and ask for directions without so much as an "Excuse me", "Please", or "Thank you". On a train ride back from Oxford, there was a group of people who looked to be about my age spread out along one side of the train car who spent the entire trip shouting over people to their friends across the car. This kind of behavior just shows such a disregard for the people around you, like your conversation and well-being is more important than theirs.

I have no problem calling out the next set of behavioral disasters specifically by school, because I think their high-and-mighty demeanor deserves to be taken down a peg. Now, I thought the behavior of MY classmates left a lot to be desired. However, we were NOTHING compared to the group of students who came in towards the end of our trip from NYU. Rude doesn't even begin to cover it. Within the first 2 days of them being there, all of the common areas had been trashed. Every single table in the cafe and lounge area was covered with trash, from empty McDonald's bags and wrappers to cans of beer and bottles of wine, and every other sort of food garbage you could imagine. I could not believe how poorly they treated the space, and how they have absolutely NO respect for the rest of us that they had to share the space with. I was so disgusted.

Now I know this doesn't apply to all of us, all of the time, but I think if you look around at your peers, you'll see the people I'm talking about.

There's also this overwhelming sense of entitlement. We act like we deserve to have everything given to us. I think this goes hand in hand with viewing our well-being as more important than anyone else's. And I'll say something here that is something I know I struggle with - we don't have any sort of automatic respect for authority. I will call out a professor on their mistakes or botch-ups regardless of the fact that they are an authority figure - if they have not earned my respect, I will not give it to them. The most recent example is a professor I have who yells, snaps, and claps at us as if we were dogs needing to be trained. I do not respect her, despite the fact that I am supposed to because she's my professor.

We're struck by this cloud of apathy that seems to hover over us at all times. For many of us, we haven't ever had to fight for anything, or believe in anything, or strive for anything, because there's nothing for us to fight for or believe in or strive for. The fact that the world is at war means so little to so many of us, because it's such a distant threat that on a good day, we can forget about it, if we're not there. We seem to have so little passion.

And yet, at the end of the day, I can almost start to feel bad for us. I look at the problems my generation is inheriting, and I almost don't blame people for acting out. Many of us are going to graduate college with a huge amount of debt already, and be thrust into a job market that is floundering. We aren't being adequately prepared for life, and so we're being thrown out into the world, helpless, and now with bad manners and poor attitudes on top of everything else. We're getting screwed over by governments, and the mistakes of generations before us that are leaving us in more and more debt, and with more things we are responsible to fix. But does that excuse our behavior? I don't think so.

What do you think of the generation that you are a part of? Does it embarrass you to be a part of your generation, or are you proud of them? Do you wish you had grown up in a different generation? How do you think you would be different if you had?

~Jessica

Finding Something Beautiful

After being choked in the dark and cold city streets of Manhattan for so long, and floundering in the artificial, fabricated lifestyle of it all, I have been dying to find something beautiful. I ran away out of the country at the end of last month, seeking reprieve from the problems that plagued me, and the ghosts that haunted me in that city. However, I arrived in London to find that I had run away to someplace very much like the place I had run from. Far too close for comfort.

On J.R.R. Tolkien's birthday, I took a trip out to Oxford to pay my respects at his grave site, and explore the city where he lived for so long. As my train finally sped away from the twisted metal and smoke of the city and out onto the rolling countryside, my heart swelled. At long last, the spires of the Oxford skyline came into view, and it was so beautiful, I nearly wept. I ran off the train and through the dirty station until I reached the main street that lead into town. An uncontrollable smile spread across my face.



It was beautiful. Undeniably so. The rolling countryside seemed to seamlessly melt into this beautiful town. And it was the perfect balance of city and country. The streets were full of people, but not so thick you could not walk, and so busy they seemed dead inside. There were buildings, and businesses that thrived, but not so tall that they shielded you from the skies, and blotted out the sun. There were trees, and greenery. There was calm, and peace, and quiet, but there was life too. And it was beautiful.



It was as if a weight had at last been lifted off my shoulders. For the entire day, I didn't think about my problems from back home. I didn't think about whether or not I'd get into FIT. I didn't think about next semester at school. I didn't think about That Man. I didn't think about the man fighting to replace That Man, or any of the other men in my life who I wished would. And most importantly, I didn't feel lonely. I was alone, and I was content. I wasn't wishing anyone else was there with me, I was happy to be by myself. At long last, I had come to terms with that. My mind was as bright and clear as the sky over the countryside.



As all good things, the feeling faded as I drifted in and out of consciousness on the train ride home. The countryside was dark, and I was being whisked back to the city. I have nothing against London, really, except that it's too much like New York. And I have nothing against New York, except that it's slowly rotting my soul. But for a day, I found something beautiful. And I was happy. And perhaps that was even more beautiful.

~Jessica

Things I Wish I'd Learned In School

I was contemplating things today. I've been very busy lately, finishing up the semester, applying to a new school for next fall, and considering my job situation, and potential internships for next year. In the midst of all this, I started thinking about what most people would consider pretty basic life skills that I wish someone had sat me down and taught me once and for all when I was in my earlier years of schooling. I also started thinking about things that I know how to do, but that a lot of people I know who are my age don't. I've started to compile a list. So, without further ado...
Things I Wish I'd Learned In School

• How To Properly Prepare A Resume
  This is something that I semi-learned in high school, and I have a workable resume that I still use leftover from that, but a resume to submit in a professional environment is a little different than one you mail off to colleges. I also have friends who didn't learn how to prepare one in high school, and have never had to submit a resume for the jobs they've done, so they simply don't have one. In my opinion, everyone should have some sort of acceptable resume by the time they leave high school. Even if you haven't had a lot of jobs, or even any job at all, you can still use it to present the activities you participate in, any community service you do, as well as any useful skills you have. You never know when you're going to find an opportunity that will ask you for it, so I think we should all learn to do it, and have an updated copy on hand
• How To Write A Check, and Balance A Checkbook
  This skill is quickly becoming obsolete with the rise of online banking and bill pay. My own checkbook is collecting dust in the back of my closet somewhere, but the entire world hasn't gone electronic just yet, and many people my age (myself included) are unsure as to the proper way in which to fill out a check, or balance a checkbook. We may come to a time when this skill is completely obsolete, but right now, it isn't, so we should probably learn how to do it properly.
• How To Prepare For A Job Interview
  My first job interview was an impromptu trip to the stock room of a small store when I was 17. I was utterly unprepared for any of the questions they asked me, and the kinds of answers they were looking for. However, as it was a minimum wage retail slave job, I managed to be offered said job anyway, despite my stammering and awkward pauses. My next job interview, for which I was properly dressed and armed with vague ideas for answers, wasn't until 2 years later, and I wondered if other people walk into their first job interview as unsure about what to expect as I was. This goes hand in hand with the resume preparation as well - high schools are constantly trying to help us get in to colleges, who are constantly trying to get us into the work force, but in many cases, we wind up unprepared for the work force in the end. Everyone should know how to dress for a job interview, what to bring with them, and what sorts of questions to expect.
• How To Cook
  The running joke about college kids is that we survive on ramen noodles. Humorous though the stereotype may be, for many students it is not too far off the mark. Being fortunate enough to have home economics classes in my earlier school days (something for which I am thankful almost every day), I can cook. But it's far from uncommon for college kids to be rather abysmal in the kitchen. At the most basic, everyone should know how to make pasta and sauce, cook eggs, and whip up some vegetable soup. We covered all that in a semester of Home Ec, along with baking a sheet cake, making pancakes, and making pizza bagels. We also covered the benefits of doing so. The nutritional value of meals you prepare yourself are totally under your control, and odds are, better than the takeout you were thinking of getting, or the crap in the school cafeteria where there is no such thing as a serving size. Plus, it will wind up costing you less as well, and you get to keep the leftovers. It only makes sense to have an arsenal of recipes that you can whip out to cook dinner for yourself, or some friends.
• How To Mend and Hem Clothing
  Another epidemic among college kids which I am pleased to have escaped. (Thank you, Home Ec!) However, it is not difficult to see that I am in the minority here. At my job, most of us wear the same pants, every shift, for days on end. Needless to say, these clothes take a beating. Seams rip, knees tear, hems come undone. Most of these are clothing dilemmas that can be solved by 10 or 15 minutes with a travel sewing kit, however, most of my coworkers had no idea how to mend their clothing. Sure, there's such a thing as a tailor, but between the fact that we're college kids and the fact that we need to wear these clothes every time we work, the time or money for such things may not be readily available. You never know when you're going to accidentally damage an important piece of clothing and need a speedy repair. Hand sewing at a level that will mend basic clothing damages at least temporarily is not a difficult skill to learn, and everybody should know how to fix a hem that has fallen out.
• How To Do Your Taxes
  I've saved the best for last, haven't I? I will be the first to admit that my father does my taxes. I haven't the foggiest idea what "doing your taxes" even entails. I get the forms from work, I give them to my father, and I magically hear back from the government whether or not I owe them even more money. The entire process is alien to me. Even if you're going to hire someone else to do your taxes for you, you should at least have a basic idea of what they're doing. But really, why not learn to do it and save yourself the trouble of hiring someone else? I've not spoken to a single person my age who does their own taxes. Must we really be so reliant on other people to do this for us? I'm sure if we put our minds to it and had some instruction on what the heck we were supposed to be doing, we'd be able to manage it on our own.

Are some of the things on this list things you wish you'd learned in school? Are some of them things you're grateful to have learned in school? What other things would you add to a list of "Things You Wish You'd Learned In School"? Do you think that schools should implement more courses that focus on life skills?

~Jessica

Desire Trumps Fear

Last night, I booked two round-trip flights for myself: one to Orlando, and one to London. A year ago, this would have been pretty much beyond the realm of possibility. If I thought I grew and changed a lot in my first year of college, it's still very little when compared with the last year of my life. That's because in this part year, I have finally learned that there are so many things that are so much more important than being afraid.

I used to say and think that it was That man who changed me, but he didn't; at least, not in the way I thought he did. At the end of the day, I changed myself, because I'm the only one who can. What That Man did was make me want to make that change, and make me realize that I could if I wanted it bad enough. It was as if he laid the world out in front of me and all I had to do was work up the nerve to leave the nest and try to fly. He instilled in me a desire that was finally enough to beat back the fear.

Now I know what you're thinking when I talk about That Man and desire in the same sentence. And I won't lie, that was definitely part of it. I had never wanted to be with someone enough to manage to trump the fear of actually, well, being with them. But it goes so much deeper than that. Talking so frequently and for so long with someone who had seen the whole world reminded me of all the things I was missing by being too afraid to go out and see and do them. There is a huge world out there, and it's beautiful and terrifying, but the more I saw and heard about it, the more I wanted so badly to actually get out there and see it for myself. And as my desire to break out of my lonely little apartment grew stronger, my fear began to have less of a hold on me.

This isn't to say that I'm not afraid. As I held the confirmation papers for my flights in my hands, I could feel my heart race. This is some pretty unknown territory for me, and that's scary. But for the past year, I have been trying to dive into unknown territory, even if it's scary, because I want to. Though it's had its highs and lows, the past year has taught me that being scared of something doesn't mean not trying. I want to see places I've never seen, and do things I've never done. That desire that had been lying dormant for years, held down by fear and uncertainty, has finally started to thrive. I have finally found enough things that I want badly enough to break out of that cage. I have, at long last, discovered a desire in me that is able to take on fear, because I know that living out my dreams is more important than being afraid.

Have you ever wanted something so badly that it managed to cancel out a fear or insecurity you had about doing it?

~Jessica

If I Died Today

Because I'm a morbid person, I sometimes wonder what I'd be unhappy with if I were to die on any given day. What would I wish I had said to people? What would I wish people had said to me? Is there anything that would really, truly bother me that I hadn't said or done in my life?

A fresh round of these thoughts was brought on this morning when I woke up. I had a dream last night - it was completely strange and nonsensical, for the most part. In my dream, I was in a large hotel on a coast somewhere, and myself and three of my friends were being executed, by my immediate family no less. We were being beheaded out on the balcony. I was the last of the four to meet my death. As I was waiting for my turn to die, I was searching frantically for my cell phone. When I found it, I dialed the number of someone I care for very much. They answered, sounding as though I had woken them up. I apologized for waking them, and started to cry as I told them that I was never going to see them again, and desperately wanted them to know how much I loved them. That phone conversation was the one part of my dream that made sense, and I woke up promptly after it.

These thoughts have crossed my mind more and more often lately, especially as the prospect of travel is looming in my life. I'm the kind of paranoid person who thinks that it's my plane that will be the one to fall out of the sky. If I wind up going to London, I was thinking of writing a letter including all the things I would want people to know if I never got a chance to tell them. I don't have any huge number of secrets, those of you who have read my blog for a while, or who know me know that I'm a fairly open person. But there are some secrets I have kept, at least from the people they involve, for one reason or another, and some that I wouldn't want to take to the grave with me.

The thing that struck me about this was the fact that I'd rather leave a letter behind than simply say these things to people before I left. Why not simply tell these people what I'm thinking and feeling now so that I don't have to worry about what would happen if it was too late? Why not tell my father about the time I stole his car, or that as it turns out, I have been drinking before my 21st birthday, and I can hold my liquor better than he thinks? Why not tell my mom that I want nothing more than to be her when I grow up, minus the three kids? Why not tell all my friends what I really think of them, good or bad? Why not tell That Man that I am hopelessly in love with him, and love him more intensely than I've ever loved another person?

By the time I reached the last question, I had already realized the answer. I am afraid. I am afraid of the consequences of sharing these secrets. I want my mom to know how much I admire her, but I fear what she'd think of me if she knew that despite all the schooling she and my father have put me through, I think I'd be perfectly happy as a housewife. I want my father to be able to laugh at the fact that I stole his car, or tell me something that would help my occasionally improper use of alcohol, but I fear losing his trust. I want That Man to know that he is loved, deeply and completely, for everything that he is, but I fear him walking away if I were so blunt. I want my friends to know that I love them, or that I hate them, or that I can't stand their boyfriend, or that I think they're making a huge mistake, or that I think they're wasting their lives, or that I think they are impossibly talented, or that they're doing something they shouldn't, or not doing something they should, but I fear how they would react to hearing such things.

It's easiest to say these things when we have nothing to lose.

*Photos were screencapped from the trailer for the new Post Secret book, Post Secret: Confessions on Life, Death, and God by Frank Warren.



If you died today, what would you wish you had said to other people? What would you wish other people had said to you? What would be the biggest regret you'd have over something you'd done? What about over something you hadn't done?

~Jessica

Lead Me Not Into Temptation

12 hours.

That Man was back in town for 12 hours. In between business trips, he spent less than 12 hours in his apartment.

You would think, then, that there was no way that we could possibly get ourselves into any trouble. That's where you would be wrong.

I had come back to New Jersey last night before her got back because, well, he was only going to be here for 12 hours. I wasn't going to see him anyway, and I had laundry to do. So I was watching the end of the Jets game when he texted me telling me he had gotten home safely. A conversation that started innocently enough, but over the next hour or so, it escalated as it always does, with photos flying back and forth. Finally, he asked me to come and see him, not realizing where I was.

In my typical fashion where he is involved, I did something incredibly stupid. I explained that I was in Jersey, but that I had the keys to the car in my hand and could be there in only 10 minutes longer than a cab from my Manhattan apartment would have taken. He immediately insisted he would never ask me to drive so late. I reminded him that I had offered. I scrambled around my house, putting on shoes and my coat, and taking my father's car keys.

That's right, boys and girls, I took my father's car at 2:30 in the morning, and drove it to Queens to see That Man.

The car was parked underneath my parent's bedroom window. I technically only have a provisional license which prohibits me from driving between the hours of 12:01am and 5:00am. I'd never driven to Queens. I'd never even driven in the city in my life. I'd also never driven across the George Washington Bridge. And yet, at 2:30 in the morning, I programmed the GPS system with shaking hands. I told That Man that I was sitting in the car, and asked him if he wanted me to come. He insisted that I be extremely careful, and that I go home again before my parents have a chance to realize I'm gone. I agreed from the stop sign at the bottom of my street.

The car was quiet as I contemplated the fact that I was driving to Queens at 2:30 in the morning in my father's car that he didn't know I had taken to see That Man before he left down again for the rest of the month. I drove in silence, shaking in the driver's seat, terrified to drive a single mile per hour over the speed limit. I flitted through streets, down highways, and over the two bridges that separated me from That Man. Raindrops fell on my windshield intermittently. After what felt like forever, I reached a section of Queens I recognized from my late night cab rides, and called That Man from the corner of his street. I parked under his building and fell into his arms the second I stepped out of the car.

We just held onto each other for a while before going inside. Upstairs, he held me in his arms until I managed to calm down. I buried my face in his chest, breathing him in. He ran his fingers through my hair. We laughed at the ridiculousness of what was happening. We mused over what would happen if I were to get caught. We smiled and kissed and our fingers entwined. We stayed holding each other again for a bit before falling into bed together. Every moment I spent with him was worth what I had done to get there. We lay in bed running our fingertips over each other's bodies. We talked about his future trips, and I sat with him while he folded his laundry and packed to leave in the morning. He walked me to the car, and we kissed goodbye.

I drove my car home, and replaced it in the driveway facing the opposite direction it had been in when I took it, praying that my father would be none the wiser as I replaced the mirror and seat position and put the Navigation CD away. I bolted up the driveway to the door only to hear my dogs start barking as I put my key in the lock. I ran to the kitchen and replaced my coat and scarf on the chair they'd been hanging on earlier that evening, and plugged my phone into its charger. I kicked off my shoes and ran into my father's office replacing his car keys on his desk before running back into the kitchen in an attempt to quiet the dogs. I heard footsteps overhead and freaked. I tried harder to quiet the dogs, and was standing in front of them when my father appeared around the corner coming into the kitchen. He asked if it was me that they had seen and started barking. I said yes. He asked what I was doing. I picked up my phone and its charger from the kitchen counter, unplugged it and gestured with it. He said okay. I ran upstairs to bed. After speaking with my mother this morning, they both believe I fell asleep on the couch and woke up around 5.

I sit now at my computer, tired, sore, and grinning because I haven't managed to shower yet and I still smell him on my skin.

Stupidest thing I've ever done? Absolutely.

Worth it? Without a doubt.

~Jessica

Get Me Outta Here!

Maybe it's because I've never really travelled much before. Maybe it's because the things binding me to New York City are beginning to dwindle very quickly. Maybe the rest of the world is too damn exciting and enticing. Maybe I'm restless. Maybe I'm just plain bored. But whatever the reason, I have been haunting the Study Abroad page of my college's website since the middle of July waiting anxiously for them to post the available programs for the short winter semester of 2010. (I'm still waiting, in fact. September, they told me. It's September now, guys!)

I've never left the country, except once on a cruise to Canada. I spent one day on Canadian soil. I've tried to go traveling through various academic programs in the past, to Europe, Australia, you name it, but for various reasons, it hasn't ever worked out. It's been ten years since I've even been on a plane. I've been itching to travel for quite a while now, but it's become a more pronounced desire in the past few months. Perhaps that was brought on by spending time with That Man I fell in love with, who has seen and done such a wide array of things I cannot help but be terribly jealous when he tells me stories. When I say he's been almost everywhere, it's not too gross of an exaggeration. He takes the most amazing photographs of everywhere he goes, and it just makes me want to get out there and see it all. It really rekindled my desire to get out there and see the world while I still can. Perhaps I've just been reading too much, and looking at too many photos in my textbooks. There is so much out there to be seen, beauty, both natural and manmade, art, food, culture, life, and I am sick of being stuck in this city.

For a very long time, I put off my travel plans. I was too attached to things here. When I went off to college, I was so attached to things and people here that I didn't even consider going to school anywhere else. When I got to college, I got a job, and I fell in love. And maybe my desperate need to get out of here is because so many of those things and people I'd grown so attached to are gone, and all I'm left with is memories of the way things were. The show that I'd been working at for nearly two years closed this past Sunday, which was rather devastating. That Man I fell in love with is going to be off again, moving away, working, and seeing the world without me. I have a new job, but it doesn't mean nearly as much to me. And that's not to insult the job or my coworkers, but without the strong attachment I had to my old job and the great bond with everyone that worked there, I'm more able to look at this new job as just a job, and allow myself to leave without missing it much. I have other people I care about, and who care about me, but I know they'll be here when I get back. The relationships I have with the people in my life right now are not as volatile and unpredictable as That Man. I can take a little time to myself without having to worry too much about what will happen. There is a lot less holding me down, and maybe because of that, it's harder and harder to fight my urge to just go. Get out. Be free. I want to fly.

There's nothing wrong with the city. Really, there's not. It's convenient, and exciting, and fun. It's all me, I swear. But I feel trapped, and stifled. I feel like a robot, and I feel like I'm missing out on so much. Plus, after spending so much time wanting to stay put, I figure that now that I actually WANT to leave, I should hurry up and go before I change my mind. Losing my job and That Man at the same time has given me the desire and the motivation to get up and get out.

So I'm aiming to study abroad for a few weeks in the winter. As a sort of practice run, I suppose. As I've said, I haven't travelled much, so I figure my best bet is to go someplace not too far, for not too long, with a very organized program.

Do you travel a lot? Do you do it for work or for fun? Do you like to travel? Do you wish you travelled more, or less? In your opinion, what is the best way to travel? Where is your favorite place that you have gone? What made you decide to go there?

~Jessica