Friday, April 2, 2010

No Apologies

"I'm not a concept, Joel. I'm just a fucked-up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind." -Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I could say that this blog was inspired by something that was said to me a few nights ago, but that wouldn't be entirely true. But I don't really have a better starting point, so I'm jumping off from there, and we'll see how far I get.

The conversation was about the idea of being "corrupted", and how I thought that I was, but how I didn't think that was a bad thing. The person I was talking to implied that I could always go back to the way things were, and get back what I had lost, and cover up my past and go on to live a perfectly happy life.

But I would never want that.

Sure, I'm "corrupted". I've experienced life. I've been educated - by books, by people, by experiences. I'm realistic. But I'm not damaged goods. I don't regret any of the experiences I've had in my life, even if other people would frown on them. I have loved. I have had my heart broken. I have had my heart swell with happiness beyond reckoning. I have laughed until I thought my stomach would burst. I have cried until it hurt. I have lost everything that I thought mattered to me, and gained everything I thought I wanted. I have thought that I would live forever, and I have honestly believed I would die. These experiences make me who I am, and I'm not trying to cover any of that up. I'm not proud of everything I've ever done, but it's all a part of me. I'm a package deal, and I'm not apologizing for it.

I told a story about someone I knew who couldn't handle me the way I was. He said he loved me, but he was always angry at me for some reason or another, or complaining about some trait that he didn't like. Often, these traits were a result of something I'd experienced earlier in my life. I told him that if he loved me, and wanted me, it was an all or nothing deal. I am not going to lobotomize myself so that people can take the bits and pieces of my personality that they like, and leave me with the rest. You don't get to pick and choose. If you can't handle all of me, you don't deserve all of me.

I am passionate.
I am neurotic.
I am motivated.
I am kind.
I am sensual.
I am nonsensical.
I am creative.
I am driven.
I am caring.
I am intimidating.
I am intelligent.
I am thoughtful.
I am insecure.
I am beautiful.
I have a hunger for all the brilliance of life, and above all, I put all of my heart into the things and people I love.

This is who I am, and I'm not apologizing. You take me as I am, or you leave me. I'm not here to fit your mold, or change myself into what you want me to be. I'm not a concept, or an idea, or a theory. I am a living, breathing, loving person, and I'm not leaving bits out to make anyone feel better.


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