I'm sure that most of you have either seen or read Fight Club. And if you have, I'm sure you don't see it as something that should ever be taken seriously. However, every time I watch it, I get into a very strange mood. Because it makes sense to me. The idea of having to hit bottom. Being raised to believe you will be someone, or achieve something, and realizing it's a lie. Being trapped in the service industry, and undermining the system because that's all you can do. And perhaps, most of all...
It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.
The way in which those ideas spiral into something completely out of control is not something I agree with or approve of. I don't have any pressing desire to start an underground boxing club, or terrorist organization.
But I do have the desire to buy a plane ticket and not look back.
The first time I walked into my shrink's office, what I wanted to talk about was my attachments. I wanted to talk about how I never feel free to do anything because I am always tied to things and to people, and how who I am is always so tangled up in who other people want me to be. I wanted to learn how to get away from those attachments, and sever those ties so that I would be free to leave whenever I wanted, instead of staying for something that shouldn't matter. Six months of counseling later, I'm perhaps a few baby steps closer to finally leaving, but for every two steps I take forward, I take one back.
I want to hit bottom, and I don't know how. Because I'm so scared of being alone that I tie myself up in relationship after relationship like a fucking security blanket to keep me warm. And all it does is provide a safety net for me that prevents me from ever really hitting bottom. I've mastered the art of overlapping relationships. Whenever a man drops me, I find a way to maneuver myself so that I fall squarely into someone else's lap. My shrink calls it "stocking my bench" to this day, from a joke I've made in the past - that you have to have a strong bench in case one of your starters is out of the picture.
I told all of this to a friend earlier today.
He first asked if I was high, and then congratulated me on my realizations, and self awareness.
These realizations aren't new. I am a remarkably self-aware person. But as I said to my friend, and as I will repeat here, knowing what my problems are does not provide a solution. Being aware of what I do wrong does not allow me to modify my behavior. Knowledge is not change, or progress. Knowledge is recognition. And these problems aren't black and white. I know what my problems are, I know where my behavior needs to be changed, and I know when I am doing something wrong. I am aware of myself and my actions. But I am also aware that there is no one right answer.
And with that in mind, all I want is to walk away from everything. I want to hit bottom so that I can stand back up, brush myself off, and start over again. Because I don't know where to go from here.
~Jessica
I know exactly what you mean. I don't fantasize about exactly the same things. I mostly fantasize about becoming a hikikomori, sleeping polyphasically and answering ChaCha questions all day for a living, getting groceries delivered to my room and never leaving it again. I want to withdraw. But I think withdrawal is also a form of letting go.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think about vanishing too. I know that it will happen eventually, but not spontaneously. It may appear spontaneous to some, but it will actually be well thought out. But that has little to do with anxiety and more to do with coming to terms with the fact that my future simply lies elsewhere.
They say you can't (metaphorically) be reborn until you (metaphorically) die. I think that that might be what this is all about, and I know that I believe it.
Most people KNOW their mistakes, but they are too afraid to admit to their mistakes. Admitting your mistakes and feeling them fully will facilitate change and progress. Everyone recognizes their mistakes. Most people are more self-aware than you think, but they don't act. That is the problem.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to hit rock bottom to act, but usually that's what it takes to get some people to finally act. People fall into rather predictable patterns. Be different.