Stuck

Earlier this week, I got a phone call from a theatre in Virginia where I had applied for a job nearly a month ago. I've been firing off resumes left and right lately, but I haven't gotten many calls. In fact, I was taken completely off guard by what turned into a phone interview, because it had been so long since I'd applied, and I didn't really think I'd get the job. 

Later in the day, two of the people on my reference list contacted me to let me know the theatre had contacted them to ask about me, and that they'd given me glowing reviews. Now, I'm generally a pessimist when it comes to the job hunt, but after hearing this, even I had to stop and think about it for a moment.

The job would require me to pick up and move to Virginia for a year. If they offered it to me... would I go? 

I wasn't sure then, and I'm not sure now. For as much as I always want to just go someplace else, there is always something holding me back. Some doubts, or some attachments, there's always something. 

So what's holding me back this time? Well, for starters, I've still got a few months left on the lease for my apartment. I'm not going to get to live in a building this nice for a long time after my lease is up, so I might as well enjoy it, right? And my retail job... I don't like it anymore, and yet, after 3+ years I still haven't been able to pack it in and just quit. And then there's a boy. There's always a boy. There's always a boy, the situation is always complicated, but it always makes me want to stick around with high hopes that things will work out for me. They generally don't, but hey, who knows? 

It's ironic, but the thing I never seem to worry about is my friends and family. My family is my family, and they'll be here for me when I get back regardless of where I go. And my friends, if they're true friends, will be too. So when I look at the stuff that makes me doubt whether I should leave... I feel stupid. 

A friend of mine from high school packed up and moved to New Zealand last week. I had fallen mostly out of touch with him, and was completely shocked when he told me. And incredibly jealous. Partially because I've always wanted to go to New Zealand, but mostly because he's got courage and freedom that I crave, but never seem to have. 

I can't figure out why, but it seems I always feel stuck. 

~Jessica