Looking For A Big Girl Job

So with the completion of my college studies rapidly approaching (TWO WEEKS, TWO WEEKS, TWO WEEKS!), I've jumped head first into the job hunting scene. With some less than stellar results.


The jobs that will actually pay me want someone with more experience, and the jobs that will take me don't want to pay me. Of course, I have to try and get the unpaid jobs so that I can get the experience to get the paying jobs, but it's really a very disheartening cycle. I've paid my dues in the retail world for five years, and now I've sunk back to the bottom of the ladder again.


Breaking into anything that can actually support me is difficult, because of the endless job-requires-experience experience-requires-job loop. It's even harder because the industry I'm trying to break into is so much more based on who you know. So I need to know people.


Somehow, I was hoping it would be easier than this. I thought I'd at least have more options of where to send my resume. But as summer jobs have filled up, the demand has waned, and since I'm already stuck in a dead end retail job, I refuse to apply for another. It's a real, Big Girl Job, doing what I want to do, or bust. I don't need any more time as a retail slave - I need experience that is going to help me build my career.


I'm hopeful though. I'm shooting off resumes and arranging meetings, and doing everything in my power to acquire my Big Girl Job. I'll be damned if I'm not trying my hardest.


So if you have a moment, send me some good vibes for the next week or so, I need some cosmic goodness to help me out here.


What was your first Big Kid job?


~Jessica

Crush Me

I have a younger cousin that I used to babysit for a lot before I went off to college. We played all the requisite games, like tag, and hide and go seek. We'd color, and watch movies. Almost every time I'd babysit her, if we were sitting on the couch, she'd try to slip under my legs, and say "Crush me!".

The first time she did this, I was confused. I mean, come on - we all know the first rule of babysitting is that you do not, in fact, sit on the baby. But I obligingly let her lay down under my legs, and get "crushed".

Time and again, when I would come to babysit, the same thing would happen. She'd ask to be crushed, and settle in under the weight of my legs, apparently completely comfortable. Sometimes she'd be frustrated that my legs weren't heavy enough, and put a pillow on top as well.

It wasn't until much later that I understood how that could not only be comfortable, but comforting as well.

It wasn't until I was drifting off to sleep, crushed under the weight of someone else's body, yearning, even then, to pull them closer to me.

It wasn't until That Man laid his head on my chest, with his arms around me, that I thought "Hold me here, pressed tight against you, crushed against you." Just feeling the weight of another person's body over mine was so comforting. It made me feel less alone. It made me feel connected.

I don't know if that's quite what my cousin had in mind, but I know she's not as weird as I thought.

So, crush me. Stay close to me. Remind me that you're there. Let me cling to you for a few hours, because when the morning sun rises, you'll be gone.

Crush me.

~Jessica

The Virgin/Whore Dichotomy

Or, People Think It's Intimidating When A Girl Is Cool With Her Sexuality.

Have you ever noticed that, when you're a young woman, society likes to place you into one of two sexual stereotypes? You're either a virgin, or a whore. Now, granted, not everyone thinks like this, but on the most general level, you get placed in one camp or the other. And really, it's a lose-lose situation for the girl in question. As the Breakfast Club would tell us, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't - if you have had sex, you're a slut, and if you haven't, you're a prude.

I read an interesting book on the matter, called "The Purity Myth", which describes this very phenomenon. It also pointed out a number of interesting things to me. For example, everyone thinks they know what virginity is, but did you know that there's no real medical definition of virginity, it's a pretty abstract concept. So if you don't really know what virginity is, how do you know when you've lost it? Is it when your hymen breaks? Well, no, that can't be it, because that can happen for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with sex. Or, conversely, you may be having sex and your hymen can be completely intact. Is it the first time someone sticks their penis in you, or you stick yours in someone else? Well maybe, but then what about lesbians? Are they virgins forever? What about oral sex? Maybe it has something to do with orgasm? (Though sadly, with that logic, there are probably a bunch of women who would still be virgins) What about every ridiculous invention of "almost-but-not-quite-sex" that teenagers have come up with to preserve the abstract concept of their virginity? Where is the line? Easy - there isn't one. It's something humans made up, and it's something humans change to suit their needs. I'm not blaming anyone of this, I'm just wondering why in the hell we place so much stock in something so abstract and volatile, especially when it is harmful to women.

Why is it we feel the need to be derogatory or demeaning about a woman's sex life no matter what sex life she chooses for herself? Why are women teased for being "virgins", or taunted for being "whores"? Is there no such thing as just having a healthy sex life? Furthermore, why is it that society places such a taboo on sexual activity when it is one of the most natural pleasures that exists? I am not about to say that we should all run around having sex with everyone, but if we find ourselves in a situation where we have the opportunity to safely enjoy it, WHY NOT? Why should we be ashamed?

Regardless of what the church, or the government, or your parents, or your health teacher has told you, sex is not dirty, or wrong, or bad, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. And that's what it really comes down to. People - especially women - are made to feel ashamed of their bodies, and what they do with them.

The obvious double standard here is that our society praises men for their sexual conquests. Newsflash, ladies and gentlemen. Most men cannot have sexual conquests unless a woman is also present. So how can it possibly be fair to praise him and deride her? Haven't they both performed the same act? So if she should be ashamed, shouldn't he? And more importantly, if he shouldn't be ashamed, why should she?

What's your stance on sex, and the virgin/whore dichotomy?

~Jessica

Keeping It In Your Pants Is YOUR Job

I know I've been absent for a while, but a recent argument (that is simply the most recent of many on the subject) has inspired me to get my butt back in gear and write something. In a conversation with a male friend of mine, I was essentially blamed for the fact that men who are taken are attracted to me. He informed me that it was my fault that they were willing to cheat because of how I was dressed or the way in which I spoke to them. I argued that I never would intentionally seduce someone who was in a committed relationship. My friend said that I didn't have to intentionally seduce them, but that by dressing in a certain way, I was extending the invitation for something more. This isn't the first time I've heard someone argue this point, and I'm sure many of you have heard it before too.

I have a question for my female readers - how many of you have ever been blamed for a man's attraction or sexual advances (regardless of how appropriate, or inappropriate they may be)? Was it because of the way you dressed or behaved? Do you think it was fair of them to blame you?

And for the male readers - how many of you have every blamed a woman for being attractive, or behaving in a way that makes her seem so when she receives attention from men? What makes you think it's okay to say it's her fault?

The point I'm trying to get at is that women are often held responsible for keeping the sex drives of every man in the general vicinity at bay. I would like to come right out and call bullshit. Women are not responsible for making sure that a man does not desire her. It is not our job to monitor our clothing and behavior to make sure that if we are not seeking male attention, we do not garner it, and that we only receive the type of attention we are looking for. It is the man's job to keep it in his fucking pants. We are all responsible for our own behavior. You do not get to cheat on your wife and then blame the other woman for being attractive. It is not a woman's responsibility to dress like a nun to ensure that she doesn't catch the eye of someone she shouldn't, it is a man's responsibility to not act on whatever impulses he might have if it would be inappropriate to do so. (For whatever reason, whether it be because he is in a relationship, or because the woman in question turned him down, etc.)

I understand that not every woman is totally innocent here, and I'm certainly not trying to paint us all as victims. Some women DO try to seduce other people's men, and when you wear a skirt that barely covers your butt cheeks you're going to attract male attention, and you should recognize that when you put it on. The way you dress DOES play into how you are perceived by others, and both men and women have to be conscious of that on many differently levels, not just sexual. But there are many situations, like wearing a sports bra while jogging on a hot summer day, or wearing short shorts while you're out at the park with your friends where somewhat revealing clothing is simply par for the course, not an open invitation for every man in a mile radius to come and fuck you. And I feel like by arguing that, for example, me changing from a tee shirt to a sports jersey in front of a man is enough to count as attempting to seduce him, we're hovering one or two dangerous steps away from saying "Well she was wearing such a revealing dress, she was just asking to be raped."

Wearing a certain outfit does not mean you are asking to be raped any more than it means you are trying to seduce someone's husband, and it pisses me off that it has become fairly socially acceptable to blame a woman for a man's advances on her based on how conservatively she was dressed, or how she was behaving. How many times do sexual harassment cases come up where the question becomes whether or not the woman was dressed too suggestively and was really just asking for the attention? We should not have to choose our outfits based on what will defer male attention. I will not deny you do have to consider the image you are portraying when you choose your outfits, and there ARE things that are or are not appropriate, (you can't walk out your door naked without being prepared for the potential consequences), but I also do not think you are responsible for maintaining anyone ELSE'S morality. We should not have to live our lives making sure that everyone else is following the rules.

Do you think that women are to blame for the way men treat them? Do you think women should be free to dress in a way that makes them feel comfortable without worrying about how they will be treated by men? Do you think it's inappropriate for a man to approach a woman in a sexual manner just because her outfit looks like "she's asking for it"? What are your thoughts on how responsible we are for how people react to the way we present ourselves?

~Jessica

A Bad Case Of The What-Ifs

As a rule, I generally try to live my live without regrets. The way I see it, if you can't change it, why waste your time regretting it, or wishing things had happened differently?


That's all well and good on a logical, intellectual level. But we're not strictly logical, intellectual creatures, we have these messy things called emotions that can be really great, but can also keep us from thinking about things 100% clearly.


I was having a conversation with a friend of mine who I've known for a few years now, and we briefly discussed a night and conversation we'd had years ago, and what we'd been thinking, but hadn't said. I didn't even realize at the time that the nasty little bug had crept into my system. It wasn't until I'd hung up the phone and was getting ready for bed that the symptoms started to set in.


I was washing my face when the sneaky little voice whispered in my ear.


"What if?"


I tried to ignore it, grabbing my towel and patting my face dry.


"What if you'd gone alone?"


I shook my head, willing the wondering away, and settled into bed, my eyes firmly, and determinedly shut.


"What if you'd gotten what you wanted three years ago?"


"It doesn't matter, I got what I wanted now, didn't I?" I snapped back, finally unable to contain myself.


"But what if you'd gotten it three years ago?"


"Well I still got it, didn't I? Better late than never!"


"But what if..."


I rolled over angrily, pulling the covers higher, up to my ears. I wanted nothing more to do with this stupid voice. But I was arguing with myself now, and my mind was going to see the argument through, whether I wanted to or not.


The evil little words caressed my cheek sweetly as they whispered in my ear.


"What if it had been him instead?"


I pulled my pillow over my head at the thought. I didn't want to think about it. Because in the end, what could I do? I couldn't go back and change it, and I couldn't change any of the other things that had happened since. And even if I could have, I'm not so sure I'd want to. What would that mean for the rest of my personality? For the rest of my life? Everything is connected, and if one thing goes differently, who knows what would happen?


"What if it had been him, and not That Man? Would you have been hurt so much? Would you be happy now? Would That Man ever have even happened?"


The scariest "What If" of all.


"What if That Man never happened?"


But finally, one where I know where I stand. I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't risk the person I've grown into. I wouldn't risk things turning out any other way.


The question comes up a lot when we think about cloning: How much of us is shaped by our experiences? How much of it really is nature, and how much is nurture? Would the clone they created really be the person they were cloned from? Of course not. It would grow up differently, with different experiences, different stimuli. It would never be the same person.


If any of my "What Ifs" had happened, I wouldn't be the same person. I'd still be me, of course, but a different me. Maybe a better me, but maybe a worse me. Maybe giving up the pain would mean losing the progress. After all, don't they always say "No pain, no gain"? While I may not be happy with everything going on in my life right now, I am happy with the progress I've made as a person in the last few years of my life, and that's not something I would trade away for a shot at a "What If". Especially since I can't ever have it, anyway.


Do you have a "What If" you think about a lot? Do you wish you could go back and change so that things turned out differently? What do you do to shake a bad case of the "What Ifs"?


~Jessica

Rejecting Social Norms

I got involved in a bit of a debate through comments on another blog last night, and for some reason, it really threw me.

I'm not going to sit here and rehash the argument word for word, but the reason I even got into in the first place is because someone had written a comment that basically held women responsible for the degradation of society, because they are no longer controlling men's sexuality. I find it ridiculous that women are expected to hold men's sex drives at bay, but that's for another blog. Unable to keep my mouth shut, I asked why on earth women should be held responsible, and was told that women are the keepers of the home, and men are the breadwinners, and that's just the way it is. Time and again, the argument circled round to the argument of "that's just the way it is". But that wasn't even what struck me. What struck me was when the other person said "I don't like it". And when I asked why she didn't just do things differently if she didn't like it, we got right back to "that's just the way it is."

The stereotypical gender roles she was describing are not universal laws, or irreversible positions, or hard and fast facts. They're social norms. They're the behaviors and lifestyles which our society and culture has determined to be typical, preferential, or appropriate. Basically, it's whatever our society has decided is normal. The great thing (or not so great thing, depending on your point of view) about social norms, is that they can change. But only if there is someone or something willing to change them.

What frustrated me, therefore, is that this person was totally devoted to and accepting of a set of social norms that she herself did not like simply because it was supposedly the way things were. What if we all just accepted the social norms even if we did not like them? Worse, what if we all just sat here twiddling our thumbs while things we knew to be wrong were accepted and perpetuated by our society?

Well, for starters, black people would probably still be 2/3rds of a person, and be enslaved. Enslavement of blacks based on race - which, by the way, is a socially constructed concept and NOT a biological fact - was a commonly accepted practice that American society decided was totally normal and appropriate.

Oh, and women? Forget just getting back in the kitchen, you'd still be property. Sorry, but by simple virtue of having a uterus, you are incapable of ever being equal to men. Society spent a good, long time perpetuating the myth that you're biologically unable to hold any sort of meaningful job, own property, manage your own money, get a well-rounded education. And hell, without any of that, why the hell should they let you vote? I think I speak for a lot of women when I say that it's a damn good thing none of that is typical behavior anymore.

Any race that has ever been persecuted or massacred probably wouldn't exist anymore because no one would have stood up against the forces of logic that made it socially acceptable to teach children that ALL Native Americans are savages, ALL Polish people are stupid, ALL Jews are responsible for all the problems of Germany, and ALL Japanese are a threat to the American way of life.

Just because something is a SOCIAL NORM, just because the majority of the community says it's NORMAL or TYPICAL or APPROPRIATE does not mean that it is RIGHT.

I'm not asking everybody to get up and change the world. I'm asking you to change yourself. If society believes something that you don't think is right, don't accept it. If you think gays should be able to marry, don't accept the laws that say they can't, join a protest, or write a letter to your legal representative. If you think women should have the right to safe and legal abortions, don't accept the guilt society tries to place on you for thinking so, stand firm in your belief. If you think being a stay-at-home Dad is the life for you, don't let the opinions of those around you stop you from living your life the way you want to.

And sure, we're going to have people fighting in both directions - we always will. But if you don't stand up for what you believe, you'll be forced to accept something you don't.

Can you think of a social norm that needs to be changed in society today? Can you think of a group of people who are working to change that social norm? How are they doing it? How would you go about changing a social norm you do not like?

~Jessica

Better Before You Know Me

"I want to get to know you," he said.

I smiled to myself. Guys don't usually bother with such things. But I'm guarded. Because I know how this goes. You don't want to get to know me. Not all of me, anyway.

You want to know the girl who is really interested in reading and literature, who is always looking for a recommendation for a good book. You want to know the girl who has spent all of her college electives studying anthropology, archaeology, and religion because those are the things that really interest her, even if she can't make a career out of them. You want to know the girl who plays the piano, and dabbled in ballet, to satisfy her creative side. You want to know the girl who will be right there on the couch next to you every Sunday for football, and gets out and plays softball in the spring, because she's sort of a sporty kind of girl. You want to know the girl who is plowing through a nineteen credit semester and working part time, she's that motivated and driven.

You don't want to know the girl who has had significant struggles with eating disorders, anxiety, and depression. You don't want to know the girl who had other men who have been a part of her life - the ones who took advantage of her, and the ones who hurt her. You don't want to know the difficulties she's had in my life that have shaped her personality, and made her the way she is. You don't want to know the obstacles, or how she overcame them. You don't want to know about the baggage, because you don't want to think about it. So you don't want to hear about it. In fact, you probably don't even want to hear all of the positive traits, because at a point, that girl you wanted to get to know just got a little too intimidating, she's that passionate, and has that much of a thirst for life.

You don't want to know me as anything different than what you perceive me to be.

"Well," he said.

I waited in silence.

"You've certainly thrown a few speed bumps into our situation."

So that's what it is. There are aspects of my personality that are "speed bumps". You get over them, but you're shaken up. Because I'm not that pretty little picture that you had in your head. And while the parts of me you do want to get to know are really great, the parts you don't want anything to do with have probably had a more significant impact on the way I behave, and the person I am.

If I hesitate when you lean in to kiss me, it's because the part you didn't want to know is terrified.

But you don't want to hear that.

Do you think you're an easier person to get along with before someone gets to know you? Do you have a lot of people in your life who really know you? Do you think that when we try to get to know others, we are only superficial about it, and only want to know the good things? Do you think we shouldn't share the bad things that we've experienced with others, or do you think it's important to be honest?

~Jessica